Run like a race for family when you hear like you're alone...

It's unfair that some of the world's most beautiful songs remind me of hurt so intense that it seems to travel through time and hit me in the heart - while I'm laying in bed, safe and sound in Michigan with a man who loves me more than I could imagine. Last night my iPod was on shuffle and I heard the scratchy, basement-recorded sounds of, "now I see love tracked on the floor where you walked outside..." Here I am, four years older, four years wiser, but still those feelings come rushing back like it was yesterday. Love tracked on the floor where you walked outside. Walked outside and stayed outside.

Today I had to run some errands for work, one of which led me to Target. As I was walking through the slushy parking lot toward the front door, I heard a little giggle and looked to the exit door. There was a mom with a little boy, probably about 4, and a baby girl. Both kids had winter hats on with little dangly balls brushing the sides of their faces. I stood there for a minute and watched them walk away - both kids shuffling along side of their mom, all connected by a chain of hand-holding. I smiled, but a few seconds later had to fight back some tears. I miss Nate and Mercy and sometimes it hurts so bad that I can't see them grow up. I don't think about it a lot, but when I see kids that age, I realize what I'm missing and it makes me want to narrate it in a George Banks-ish manner.

Life has been hard for me lately. I feel tired all the time, I feel sluggish because I know I'm not being as active as I like to be, and I have zero motivation. The snowy, icy morning roads do nothing for my zeal to get out of bed for trips to the gym. I physically can't make myself go after work - my body is completely wiped out...not to mention my mind. It's morning or never for me. I've gained weight since summer and I hate that. When I feel sluggish it makes me feel like a bad wife and a bad employee. I don't feel like cooking, cleaning, being productive, etc. I love gloomy weather...but only when I can shamelessly stay in pj's and watch Harry Potter. Otherwise, it wreaks havoc on a productive, stimulating lifestyle.

Last night I told Dan that if we ever get awesome insurance that would pay for it, I want to go to counseling on a regular basis for a long time. I went in college for panic/anxiety/eating stuff, but I started going on a regular basis right before I graduated. Things are "better," but only because I've learned to deal with my issues. The deep roots are still there and from time to time I feel them. I want them to go away and I know I need help to do it.