The hope I had in a notebook full of white, dry pages was all I tried to save

Picture: My M&D on a walk in Poulsbo, apparently on a cold morning. (Notice my dad's black, puffy gloves. Nice.) I love that my parents love to walk and ride bikes. They're so cute...and they're keeping themselves healthy and active in their older-ish age to boot.

Speaking of older-ish age, I got an email today from my dad about my grandpa. Apparently he took a pretty nasty fall in the shower. His arm is cut and he has "serious bruising" on his side. They took him to the hospital and he has two fractured ribs, a collapsed lung and blood inside the lung. Um, yikes? On top of all that, they think he might be having "mini strokes," which would explain why he didn't even remember falling. My aunt and uncle (who live in Denver with him) are going to have him put under full-time care. Obviously he shouldn't be bathing himself on his own. It's so sad. He's my last living grandparent.

The weather has been dismal the last few days - sideways rain and high's in the mid-40's. Lucky for me, we're having baked potatoes and chili for supper tonight. The perfect dreary-day meal. That's something I love about fall and winter - it's way easier to make filling comfort food. Summer and spring call for crisp salads with lean grilled chicken. But fall is like...bring on the corn, mashed potatoes and red meat. Hm. Maybe that's the root of my obsession with fall?...

So Dan's on this quest to watch all 100 movies on the such-and-such top movies list. I can't think of the name. He's finally finished with the list from 1998, but they released a new one in 2008, so he has a few more to tag on. One of which is...Titanic. I've been trying to get him to watch it with me since we were dating. (Just because I'm that mean.) One year I asked him to watch it with me on my birthday as my present. He fell asleep. NOW, thanks to his neurotic compulsion to finish things in 100% completion, he's forcing himself to watch it. Win for Heidi. So last night we watched the first half and I never realized how much Rose and Jack use each others' names. Seriously...the next time you watch it, you'll notice.

I randomly came across this verse in Habakkuk the other day: "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vine, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD. I will be joyful in God my Savior." Habakkuk 3:17-18. Granted, me and Dan aren't that bad off. The biggest struggle for us isn't in our earthly needs, like in this passage. But the battle for us is mostly spiritual, mental and emotional. And although we have food, water, a home...sometimes the proverbial figless trees, grapless vines, olive-less crops, etc. seem all-too-present in our minds and hearts. Our trees, crops and fields seem especially empty when we see our friends being blessed with new jobs, buying homes and talking about having babies. All that to say...no matter how lost we may feel, we will rejoice in the Lord, we will be joyful in God our Savior. Sometimes it has to be a conscious choice to do that and not wallow in self-pity. But I don't think God expects perfection from us. In some trials, simply coming through alive is the best we can do. God knows the strength of heart and faith it takes to overcome overwhelming human emotion to trust Him.

Streams In The Desert reading from a few days ago:

"How an old harper dotes on his harp! How he fondles and caresses it, as a child resting on his bosom! His life is bound up in it. But, see him tuning it. He grasps it firmly, strikes a chord with a sharp, quick blow; and while it quivers as if in pain, he leans over intently to catch the first note that rises. The note, as he feared, is false and harsh. He strains the chord with the torturing thumbscrew; and though it seems ready to snap with the tension, he strikes it again, bending down to listen softly as before, till at length you see a smile on his face as the first true tone trembles upward.

So it may be that God is dealing with you. Loving you better than any harper loves his harp. He finds you a mass of jarring discords. He wrings your heartstrings with some torturing anguish; He bends over you tenderly, striking and listening; and, hearing only a harsh murmur, strikes you again, while His heart bleeds for you, anxiously waiting for that strain - 'Not my will, but thine be done' - which is melody to His ear as angels' songs. Nor will He cease to strike until your chastened soul shall blend with all the pure and infinite harmonies of His own being."

Also, I'm a HUGE fan of Elisabeth Elliot right now...shout out to Danielle :) I mean, I am all the time, but some of her quotable quotes are hitting close to home these days...

"When our [plans] are interrupted, His are not. His plans are proceeding exactly as scheduled, moving us always (including those minutes or hours or years which seem most useless or wasted or unendurable) toward the goal of true maturity." -E.E.

"The will of God is never exactly what you expect it to be. It may seem to be much worse, but in the end, it's going to be a lot better and a lot bigger." -E.E.

"Experience has taught me that the Shepherd is far more willing to show His sheep the path than the sheep are to follow. He is endlessly merciful, patient, tender and loving. If we, His stupid and wayward sheep, really want to be led, we will without fail be led. Of that I am sure." -E.E.

"Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering...The love of God did not protect His own Son...He will not necessarily protect us - not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process." -E.E.