Thoughts of a 27 year old

If you know me at all, you know it’s no secret that I’m ready to have a baby. It’s not something I openly talk about, so sharing my feelings in a completely public way is something I’ve put off for a long time. (Not that I’m fooled into thinking that hoards of people read this blog…but the fact that anyone who wanted to could find it is a bit intimidating.) But I have this nagging feeling that I just need to put it out there, so I’m finally getting the gumption to do it.

I feel like I’m setting this up to be some heartbreaking story about trying to have a baby but not being able to. It’s nothing like that – and this is not a pity party. More of a…getting-these-emotions-out-of-my-head-and-into-writing type of thing. So…just wanted to throw that out there.

Starting a family for me is a very, very sensitive issue. Which is probably why I don’t feel comfortable talking about it, especially around people who don’t understand where I am emotionally. (Let’s just say…I don’t take teasing and jokes very well. There’s a joke of a bet going on between my in-laws and Dan and his sister – whoever has the first grandchild will get $1,000. This, obviously, is a light-hearted joke. But when it’s brought up in conversation I have to fight tears and usually find some way to exit the conversation.)

Me and Dan are planners. We’re very level headed when it comes to approaching life goals and big decisions. That being said, we decided from the get-go that we want to get rid of our student loans before starting a family.

This isn’t just a petty desire though. When we start a family, I WILL be a stay at home mom. I don’t think I could handle being a working mom. I’ve always felt drawn to being at home, taking care of the house, putting meals on the table, doing laundry…I find the most reward and satisfaction in taking care of my (albeit small, now) family and my home. In order for us to afford me not bringing in an income, we’ve GOT to get those loans out of the way. And it isn’t a matter of comfort – that it would just be a little more “tight” if we had our loans and a baby. It would be impossible. Ends would not meet.

And in that way, we’re being very level headed. Getting our ducks in a row to achieve our long term goals and striving to acquire the life we desire. (Ha! Inadvertent rhyme!)

It’s overwhelming. And depressing sometimes. Knowing that we have $50,000 of loans to pay off. (I’ve never publically said how much money it is. It’s kind of scary for me to, but for some reason I feel like I’m supposed to.) Our plan is for me to eventually put all of my income towards those loans and have them paid off in two years. However, we can’t do that until Dan either a) gets a huge raise or b) finds a job that will pay him what he should be making for his education/experience.

So it’s a waiting game. Waiting for God to provide a job for Dan and the funds for us to achieve our goal our way, in slow, steady time. Or a waiting game to see God do something miraculous for us in His own way to reveal His great provision and timing. Either way…we wait.

And sometimes that “two years” gets the best of me. Knowing that, when/if Dan gets a new job, it will still be TWO YEARS before we can move forward. TWO YEARS of feeling the overwhelming desire and ache. TWO YEARS of seeing baby’s pictures on facebook and hearing pregnancy announcements. TWO YEARS and I can’t look at ladies with babies in church without tearing up. We wait. And trust.

I know that God has designed this period of time just for me. For me to learn and grow and trust Him and turn to Him for comfort when comfort is nowhere to be found. If God granted every request the second I asked, I would never develop faith and trust and obedience. I know that this time should be one of peaceful patience – a time to grow in the knowledge of God’s goodness, mercy, provision and perfect timing. But sometimes I can’t and just fall apart.

My sweet husband has requested a library book for me called When, God, When?: Learning to Trust in God’s Timing. I’m so excited to get it and dive in, knowing it will provide so much encouragement.

This has been SO on my mind lately and I know that I need to focus on the Lord instead of my own melancholy and self pity. I’ve done it before so I know I can do it again – pull myself up by the boot straps and press on, knowing that whatever God has in store will be WELL worth the wait. And in time, (just like Dan’s unemployment) I’ll see the value and precious nature of this period of time that God has blessed me with.

On the way to work this morning, I heard this random old Steve Curtis Chapman song. Coincidental? I think not.

Lord, You know how much I want to know so much / In the way of answers and explanations / I have cried and prayed / And still I seem to stay in the middle of life's complications / All this pursuing leaves me feeling like I'm chasing down the wind / But now it's brought me back to You and I can see again / This is everything I want, this is everything I need / I want this to be my one consuming passion / Everything my heart desires / Lord, I want it all to be for You / Jesus, be my magnificent obsession / So capture my heart again / Take me to depths I've never been / Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy / Return me to the cross / And let me be completely lost in the wonder of the love that You've shown me / Cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things / Let all my dreams fall to the ground until this one remains / This is everything I want, this is everything I need / I want this to be my one consuming passion / Everything my heart desires / Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus /Be my magnificent obsession

And on a lighter note, and because I was told it’s unacceptable to make a post without at least one picture…

Thank you Pinterest, for yet another recipe success…nay…recipe HIT! S’mores cookies. They really do taste like S’mores. A bit time consuming, but the end result is WELL worth it. These would be an excellent dessert for a summer get-together of sorts.