And You can't plan the end and not plan the means

Picture: Fall morning at Bryan College...on the way to Chapel.

Fall is in the air, and so is anxiety.

These next few weeks are going to hold a lot of guarded hope for me and Dan. Since being laid off last December, Dan's had one phone interview and one face-to-face interview for a four month temp position. Needless to say, the past ten months have been pretty bleak as far as job outlook. Last Tuesday Dan had a phone interview with a company that really interests him and they said they'd "get back with him in a few days." (In the world of interviews, that's quite a loaded statement. You never know what to expect.) I got home from work on Friday, a little anxious about whether they'd gotten back with him or not. And they did! They want him to have him in for a face-to-face interview sometime in the next two weeks! Not only that, but he's got yet another interview set up for tomorrow at 9:30. All of this interview action in such a compacted amount of time has our expectations churning again.

The timing would be so perfect. If he got a job soon, it would be right before the holiday season and we'd be able to rejoice exponentially more! Not to mention we'd be able to renew our lease in January for six months and possibly get in on the tail end of the first-time homebuyers tax credit. It all seems too good to be true. The last few days I've been struggling with thoughts of, "His first interviews in other jobs searches rarely have led to anything happening, so why would this be different?" or, "Maybe this good timing is God's way of giving us all that we've been working towards since we got married and he actually will get the job" and, "Every interviewee has the same chances of getting hired - what makes me so hopeful it will be Dan?" It's so frustrating to want to hope and get excited - but you know the more you get excited, the farther you have to fall if nothing happens. I think the fact that he's had ONE interview in the last ten months and now all-of-a-sudden he has TWO really feeds the flames of anticipation. The waiting after the interview is always the hardest part. Waiting for an email, waiting for a phone call. And sometimes they never come. It's that slow, deflating let-down that's always torture.

BUT...All of those feelings are so human - my way of trying to understand the situation so that in some small way, I can control it. I weed through every possible outcome so that I can feel that I'll be prepared for whatever happens - and not trusting God that He'll provide me and Dan with the grace to get through it. We serve a sovereign God who will never misguide those who truly seek and follow Him. He knows our future and knows the best way for us to get there. Ultimate trust is required to live life. But not a single moment will ever go by when God is not in complete control of my life - present and future.

Whether or not Dan gets either of these jobs, we know and are confident in the fact that we're living inside of God's will every single day. And whatever the ultimate Creator has for us right now, we accept it with our chins up, our hearts full of gratitude for what He's given us, and faith that His provision will sustain us. At the end of it all, I long to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

I was listening to this song this morning and realized that it's more than appropriate for the past year. "Looking back You know You had to bring me through all that I was so afraid of. Though I questioned the sky, now I see why. I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view, and looking back I see the lead of love."