And you're whispering to me, time to get up off my hands and knees, 'cause if I beg for it, it won't come

Picture: Driveway at 5618. A tribute to the fact that I might (hopefully!) be visiting this 'ol gal in July.

The other day I was daydreaming about visiting the house I grew up in. (Where my sister and brother-in-law might be staying for their nine month furlough.) Ah, flying into Charlotte late at night - stepping out of the airport and breathing that fuel-scented airport air, mixed with the heavy, thick late-July humidity of the south. (It'll be good to be home.) Then, not to have to drive by, but pull into the driveway...and hear the familiar crunch of the gravel under the car tires and have the headlights of the car sweep through my old room and move along the wall. This, if you can't tell, has been a dream of mine ever since I left in July 2007.

Warning - this entry isn't so much for entertainment, but for my personal record of thoughts and emotions. Proceed with caution :)

Dan and I were surprisingly encouraged when Dan had a phone interview for Tuesday afternoon! Last time it was nine months before he had any response what-so-ever. So that, in itself was a real morale boost. Yesterday, the company called back and asked him to come in for a face-to-face interview tomorrow! Praise the Lord!

Although the Lord has taught me endless lessons over the past fourteen months. Lately I've had a VERY laid back and relaxed attitude about Dan finding a job. I sincerely have had no concern like I had last year - if he doesn't have a job by Thanksgiving?...Fine! I'm sure that the Lord has His plan. However...I find myself fighting with my humanness now that I'm faced with mounting excitement and expectations. My two-sided conflict:

1) I'm genuinely happy with where God has me and Dan right now. If he didn't get this job, I won't lie - I'd be disappointed. But I would undoubtedly know that it's because God was closing this door for Dan for a reason...while possibly opening it up for someone else. I know there are countless wives out there in the same position as me, who are all hoping their husbands make a better impression than the last guy when they go in for interviews. No matter who gets the job, I'll be happy for them. I know what it's like to have an unemployed spouse and I can't harbor bitterness and resentment for someone else, just because I'm missing out for now. Those feelings are genuinely from my heart and although I'd be disappointed, ultimately I would continue to trust God for His leading.

2) Despite all of that, there's this side. My husband has been unemployed for over a year and I SO want him to get a job. No matter how content I am with the season of life that God has me in, I honestly cannot sit here and deny that I wouldn't be ecstatic if he was the one to get the job.

So...I'm dealing with these conflicting emotions of contentment and expectation. Honestly, I'm afraid to ask God, "Please give him this job." Because last year I begged and begged and begged for God to give Dan a job, and He did. And it wasn't the right job and was an awkward (borderline awful) experience for him. I'm afraid to ask God for this for the fear that it isn't right and I can't see that because of my humanness. At the same time, it's SO difficult to trust and just pray that God's will be done...because in my heart of hearts, I know what my first choice would be.

I feel like I'm fighting my human emotions to strive for God's will. It's difficult and I feel like I'm failing. Miserably. And I'll look back on my behavior and my struggle when it's all said and done...with regret and embarrassment at myself for having to fight it in the first place.

That being said, my sister sent me an email this morning with the following quote from Beth Moore:

"I'm not suggesting we shouldn't do our best. I'm simply saying that sometimes just surviving certain tasks without falling apart is our best and in those times God is not ashamed of our performance. He's proud of us for fighting overwhelming human emotions to do His will. God isn't interested in our stellar performance but in our hearts. He loves our willingness and obedience despite our insecurities."

Thank you God (and Kristen, for being the messenger). It's okay not to be perfect. I am who I am - and despite my shortcomings, God sees my heart and knows that deep down, my true desire is to seek His will.

This quote is from my devotions on Wednesday morning - regarding suffering and our desire to cut it short:

"When watching with pitiful eyes those who were struggling with sorrow, suffering and distress, I would fain cut short the discipline and give deliverance. Short-sighted man! How know I that one of these pangs or groans could be spared? The farsighted, perfect love that seeks the perfection of its object does not weakly shrink from present, transient suffering. Our Father's love is too true to be weak. Because He loves His children, He chastises them that they may be partakers of His holiness. With this glorious end in view, He spares not for their crying. Made perfect through sufferings, the sons of God are trained up to obedience and brought to glory through much tribulation."