Honestly...

I'm keeping it real and being honest. And that, today, means revealing a part of my human heart that I'm not proud of - the selfish, angsty part that's sometimes doubting and sometimes unfaithful.

It's hard to see other people being blessed so richly in ways that I've praying for for myself for months. Not that I don't rejoice with the people I love at God's amazing provision. I love to see God's hand at work no matter WHERE it is or no matter WHO He blesses. It should (and is!) an encouragement for all believers to see brothers and sisters in Christ have prayers answered in miraculous ways.

That being said...back to my realness and honesty. I just...sometimes inside I feel like I literally ache to be at a different phase of life than I'm currently in. (That in NO way means I'm not thankful for THIS phase of life and I'm enjoying the heck out of it.) But there's a side of me that's been getting bigger and bigger until now, when I feel like it's totally overwhelming me.

Dan is looking for a new job. A job that pays what he should be getting paid for his experience level and the industry he's in. Until The Lord sees fit to bless us with that job (or a huge income boost where he works now), we're stagnant. That's how it feels to me. Stuck. Not moving. Just sitting. Waiting.

I look back over the last year and a half and God has done AMAZING things for us and provided for us in ways that I can't even understand. We have SO much and I'm SO thankful. I can't look back and have faith amnesia. I'm constantly reminded of the Lord's provision. And now, we're so ready to see that provision again. To be blessed with the means to move forward - to gun it paying off our student loans and start a family. Part of me feels like it's selfish to ask for that - to ask for a better paying job for Dan ON TOP of all that we have now. But another part knows that God has placed desires in my heart that I know are from Him. Why would He give me those desires only to deny me in such painful ways?

But right now, a new job isn't in our cards. (At least that we can see.) So right now, in my realness, I'm sad. Sad that it seems like we're just sitting still. ("Be still and know that I am God." Hm. Interesting.) Sad that it seems like nothing is happening. And it's hard and scary to trust that God is working behind the scenes, for our good, no matter what that means or when it will happen. It's hard to trust that someday I'll be blessed with joy that, at this point, I can only dream of.

This morning, as all of these thoughts and emotions were flowing, the song God of This City came on Pandora and it was a huge, humbling, emotional reminder and encouragement to me.

"You're the light in this darkness
You're the hope to the hopeless
You're the peace to the restless
You are

There is no one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
and greater things are still to be done in this city..."

GREATER THINGS HAVE YET TO COME.